The People Around You Are Shaping You Right Now

A man came up to me after a seminar once and said, "Mr. Rohn, I've been working on myself for three years now. Reading the books, setting the goals, doing the disciplines. But I feel like I'm running in mud."

I said, "Tell me about your five closest friends."

He looked at me like I'd asked about the weather when he wanted to talk about philosophy. But he started describing them. One was always broke. Another complained about everything. A third hadn't read a book since high school. The fourth was his drinking buddy. The fifth was his brother-in-law who told him his dreams were "unrealistic."

I said, "My friend, you've just described your future."

The Average You Can't Escape

Here's what I've discovered over the years: You become the average of the five people you spend the most time with. Not who you wish you were. Not who you're trying to become. The average of the five.

Your income? Average of the five. Your health habits? Average of the five. The way you talk to yourself, the size of your dreams, the excuses you accept — all shaped by those five people more than any book you read or seminar you attend.

Somebody says, "Well, Jim, I'm my own person. I make my own decisions."

And I say, "Of course you do. But where did you learn what decisions are acceptable? Who taught you what's normal? Who showed you what's possible?"

See, we think we're choosing. But half the time, we're just reflecting.

The Audit Most People Never Do

Spring arrives and people start cleaning out their closets, organizing the garage, throwing away what no longer serves them. Good idea for your house. Better idea for your life.

But here's what I've found — almost nobody audits their relationships with the same discipline they audit their finances. A man will spend four hours doing his taxes, making sure every number is right. The same man hasn't spent four minutes asking himself: Who am I becoming because of the people I see every week?

Let me give you an assignment. Write down the five people you spend the most time with. Not who you'd like to spend time with. Who you actually see, talk to, eat with, complain to.

Now ask yourself three questions about each one:

After I'm with this person, do I feel expanded or diminished?

Does this person talk about dreams or just problems?

Would I want my children to turn out like this person?

Right?

Hard questions. Nobody says you have to answer them out loud. But answer them.

The Three Categories

Mr. Shoaff taught me something at 25 that took me years to really understand. He said, "Jim, there are three kinds of associations in your life — and you better know the difference."

Disassociation. Some people, you just have to get away from. Not because they're evil. Because who you are around them isn't who you want to become. The drinker who pulls you back to the bar. The cynic who mocks your ambitions. The victim who needs you to be a victim too, so they don't feel alone.

This is the hardest one. Because some of these people are family. Some are old friends. And I'm not saying abandon people who need help. I'm saying you can help someone without letting them set your standards.

Limited association. Some people are fine in small doses. An hour? Pleasant. A whole weekend? You start absorbing their limitations. You start saying their phrases, thinking their thoughts.

So you say, "I'll see you for coffee. But I won't be your roommate."

Expanded association. These are the people who make you bigger. When you're with them, you think better, dream larger, act bolder. Find these people. Spend more time with them. Join their world.

Somebody says, "But Jim, I don't know anybody like that."

Then go find them. Go where ambitious people go. Read what they read. Attend what they attend. I met Mr. Shoaff at a seminar I almost didn't go to. Twenty-five years old, broke, embarrassed by my life. But I showed up. And everything changed.

Upgrade Doesn't Mean Arrogant

Now, somebody might say, "Well, that sounds like you're just using people. Climbing the ladder."

And I say, "No, no. You've got it backwards."

When you become a better person, you become more valuable to everyone — including the people you're worried about leaving behind. The best thing you can do for the poor is not be one of them. The best thing you can do for your struggling friend is become someone who can actually help.

We call that the expanding circle. You don't shrink your old relationships. You grow yourself. And then — this is the key — you bring value back. You become the person who lifts others, instead of the person being lifted.

But you can't give what you don't have. You can't share wisdom you never acquired. You can't lift people to a place you've never been.

The Practical Question

Spring is a natural time to evaluate. The weather shifts, energy rises, people start thinking about change. Good time to ask: What would my life look like in five years if I stayed surrounded by exactly the people I'm surrounded by now?

Not a judgment. Just math.

If that picture doesn't excite you, you've got some decisions to make. Not easy decisions. The people closest to us got there for a reason. History, loyalty, convenience, love.

But here's what I found out the hard way: Loyalty to your past can become disloyalty to your future. And love doesn't mean you let someone else determine your ceiling.

The Final Thought

I'll leave you with this.

You're already being shaped. Right now, today, this week — the people around you are forming your thoughts, your language, your standards. The only question is whether you're shaping yourself on purpose, or being shaped by accident.

Build your circle the way you'd build a business. On purpose. With care. With the future in mind.

The greatest gift you can give yourself is proximity to people who make you better. And the greatest gift you can give others is to become someone worth being around.

My friend, look around you. Who do you see?

And who do you want to become?