The Price of Growth

A man came up to me after a seminar one time. Said, "Jim, I've got a problem."

I said, "Good. That means you're alive. What kind of problem?"

He said, "My family thinks I've lost my mind."

I said, "What did you do?"

He said, "I started reading books. I started getting up early. I started working on myself. And now everybody's worried about me."

I had to laugh. I said, "My friend, welcome to the club."

The Inevitable Companions

Here's what I found out about success. It comes with traveling companions you didn't invite. Critics. Doubters. Naysayers. The people who see you changing and don't like it one bit.

Somebody says, "Why would they not like it when I'm trying to improve?"

And I say, "Because your improvement is a mirror. And some people don't want to look in mirrors."

See, when you start growing, you become evidence. Evidence that change is possible. Evidence that excuses are flimsy. Evidence that the life they're settling for isn't the only life available. And that kind of evidence makes people uncomfortable.

So what do they do? They try to pull you back. Not because they hate you. Often because they love you. They're afraid you'll leave them behind. They're afraid you'll become someone they don't recognize. They're afraid, my friend. And fear dressed up as criticism can fool you if you're not careful.

The February Problem

Now here's something interesting. A lot of people start the year with fire. January comes and they're reading, they're planning, they're up early, they're excited. Good for them. But by late February, something shifts.

The excitement meets resistance. The family starts making comments. The coworkers raise their eyebrows. The friends say, "You've been different lately. What's going on with you?"

And that's the test. Right there. Not whether you can start — anybody can start. The test is whether you can continue when the world pushes back.

I got a good phrase for you: The dream costs something, and so does the criticism for pursuing it.

You don't get to pick one without the other. They come as a package.

Consider the Source

Now, here's where it gets nuanced. Not all criticism is the same.

A man I respected greatly — Mr. Shoaff — he criticized me plenty. He'd say, "Jim, that's not good enough." He'd say, "Jim, you can do better." He'd say, "Jim, your philosophy is messed up, and that's why your bank account is messed up."

Was that pleasant to hear? No. Was it valuable? Worth a fortune.

See, there's criticism from people who've built something, who've grown themselves, who want to see you become more. We call that coaching. That's different.

But then there's criticism from people who haven't done much, who aren't going anywhere, who just don't want you going somewhere without them. We call that something else. We call that noise.

The skill is learning to tell the difference. Right?

Here's my test: Does this person have what I want? Have they achieved what I'm working toward? Are they speaking from experience or from fear?

If they're speaking from experience, lean in. Listen hard. Take notes.

If they're speaking from fear, be kind. Be patient. But don't let it stop you.

What Your Response Reveals

Somebody asked me once, "Jim, how do you handle the critics?"

I said, "Carefully. Because how you handle them tells you a lot about yourself."

You can get defensive. You can get angry. You can get bitter and resentful. A lot of people do that. But what does that accomplish? Now you've got two problems — you've got the critic, and you've got the bitterness eating at you from the inside.

Here's a better way. What if you got curious instead of furious?

What if, when somebody criticizes you, you asked yourself: Is there anything true in this? Is there a lesson here? Is there something I need to examine?

Sometimes the answer is no. The criticism is just noise, and you move on.

But sometimes — and this takes courage to admit — sometimes the critic sees something you missed. Sometimes your brother-in-law who drives you crazy actually has a point. Not about whether you should grow. But maybe about how you've been treating people along the way. Maybe about arrogance creeping in. Maybe about neglecting something important while you chase something else.

A wise person knows the difference between criticism to reject and criticism to accept. And that takes humility. And humility, my friend, is not weakness. Humility is strength with its eyes open.

The Quiet Confidence

Now let me tell you what I've observed about people who handle criticism well. They don't argue much. They don't explain themselves constantly. They don't need everyone's approval.

They just keep working.

A fellow said to me once, "Jim, don't you want to prove them wrong?"

I said, "No. I want to prove myself right. Big difference."

See, if you're focused on proving critics wrong, you're still letting them drive. They're still in the car with you, taking up space in your mind. But if you're focused on proving yourself right — on becoming who you know you can become — now you're driving.

The critics become background noise. They're there, sure. But they're not steering.

The Assignment

Here's what I want you to do, my friend. I want you to take inventory.

Think about the criticism you're facing right now. The comments from family. The skepticism from colleagues. The friends who've pulled away.

Now ask yourself three questions:

First — Is there any truth here I need to examine? Be honest. Sometimes there is.

Second — Is this person speaking from experience or from fear? Consider the source.

Third — Am I responding in a way I can be proud of? Because your response is your character on display.

The critics will always be there. When you're growing, when you're succeeding, when you're becoming more — they'll be there. That's part of the price.

But here's the good news. The critics don't get a vote on your future. Only you do.

So let them talk. Let them doubt. Let them shake their heads and make their comments.

You've got work to do.